7th 09 09

so today's been shit. absolutely shit.

so i got to the shop, waited outside as usual, met Rachel and we walked up which was very calming.
so then i got to registration, i was standing outside it and Jess walks up and goes 'the reason I've been acting strange around you is because you've changed, and even Joel's noticed it'
so i was like
'what...hold up What?!'
and she went 'its been ever since you went to una rodden.' & then she just walked off into registration.
WTF
i LOVE Jessica and all, but seriously? what the actual fuck?
so i talked to Claire at the end of the day, ( right, i told her she had wonky eyebrows (as a joke thing) and she said she didn't really like it so i said i wouldn't say anything like that again)

so me and Claire are fine, but Jessica and Joel must be annoyed at me, Rachel said she'd heard Jess and Joel talking about me and she just didn't pay any attention. Claire said I'd been a bit more 'cocky' but if that's what the problem is then I'm not really going to change.
SHURE!
everyone except me started falling out with Joel because he was being too 'cocky'. and everyone was falling out with him, but i said to him 'yes you have changed, but people naturally change, you can't expect people to be the same forever'

so this whole thing has annoyed me. if they think I'm being cocky I'm glad I'm cocky because finally after 5 years of working towards it i have a bit of self-fucking-confidence without dickheads constantly on my back!

i absolutely love Jessica and Joel and Claire and all my friends, if i didn't i wouldn't be hanging around with them. but ever since Una rodden i have felt more confident about myself than anything. and if since then I've been able to think about my appearance or my hair or not give a shit what people say about me in the corridor, then i am not going to change how i feel.

UGHHHHH
i put up with shit from fucking everyone in this dickhead school and i don't need another fucking whitney moment!
i have other shit in my life to deal with then people telling me i have to be constantly on guard and stay the exact same throughout my whole life.

UGHHHHHHHH
i want to fucking screamm!

this has fucking upset me. it's not like theres not stuff going on in my life outside school i have to deal with? i just don't go and tell everyone my business. if i wanted people to know whats going on in my life i would but i don't, because it's my business, and if do you not think people should consider that there is other stuff then fucking school and how i act in it and how my fucking life is outside it! ive got fucking problems up to the fucking neck and this whole 'youve changed' thing has put a fucking downer on my day and probably my month.

i love my friends, but why in the fuck would they say that? i am constantly asking jessica if shes ok, because shes told me her problems, and because i want to know how she feels, i try to ask joel but nowadays every time i try to talk to him he leaves to go somewhere else.

this has been one big fucking ugly rant but i needed to rant because people need to stop caring about how i act around them and HOW IM DOING IN MY FUCKING LIFE!!?!?!?
asking me if im okay.
or asking me whats going on, what ive been doing, how s my week going, whats up with my family.
but no.
they don't.

AND IM FUCKING READY TO BURST.

this has knocked my self confidenece down sooo much i cannot describe.
but i am going to feel good about myself. because i havent in a fucking long time!